wanted to

nearly deleted all the blogs on here, but they are there for a reason!! this is the last time ill post anything on here,.... life is different alot different that it was 12 months ago, not bad tho,.. lee is amazing, nearly walking, its actually so good to watch, mad to think hes nearly one,..anyways, im done wit this and everything else,..good luck,..

....

Iv 1 thing in my life that i am proud of and thats my son Lee, with every day that passes he just gets better and better,..im proud of him but how can i make him proud of me,....

HELP

I ACTUALLY NEED HELP TO FIND ME AGAIN!
I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE!!!!!

inside

i think im dead inside the only time im truly happy is when i have lee
then the days he goes home im just empty, not a care or feeling for anyone
i know, yea sure i hang out with my friends but i dont know how to explain
how i feel 90% of the time,..i think i should get help just to try sort my head out
coz this cant be healthy, i think im on a slippery slope and if i dont get a grip soon im
going to fall,...i live in an unwelcomed house where the atmosphere is so bad most of the time
i moved back here to save and havin been able to save a cent, i hate money troubles, i want a
place i can call home that is my home MINE where i call the shots where the main bedroom is mine
and when i wake up i go down to my kitchen an make a cup of tea and lees breakfast,... im 23 and i remember turning 18 like it was yesterday, the past 5 years, i filled with what i can only describe as a head fuck, not doing anything with myself and now i have a son someone that will and does depend on me and i have noting to show for myself, i start something soon hopefully it will be the start of something good if not im fucked,.. im afraid that without realising it im turning partly into the man i hate the most but a better him but a prick all the same, i dont care how i do it im going to give lee the life he deserves!!!! i just need to pull myself out of this black hole im in i dont feel like me,..im sick of been angry all the time,... im determined to change, i have to not just for me but for everyone,...if you read this and iv ever hurt you i am sorry. thats all for now.

I DONT KNOW WHAT TO THINK ANYMORE

I wish i knew, i wanna know where to start
i have one question for myself,
WHAT THE FUCK CHANGED?
I dont know how to answer the question, i dont know
what changed, i look at two people and im only able to
care about one of them and i dont know why, i dont know
what inside me changed, i hate myself for the pain and hurt
im causing but i dont know what else to do,,...one things for certain
im a terrible person but one other thing is that im a good father,...what a
weird mix if you ask me, im bad at been a person but good at been what i
need to be,.... its all to confusing,.. my minds fucked!,... i know that im sorry
and i know that much is real, i am so sorry, but no matter how much i say it
its already been over said,... looking over my blogs, i feel like the worlds biggest
BASTARD, all the broken promises, im so fucking sorry!!!
maybe the future will bring something good, i hope so coz rite now its fallen apart!!!

Ciara & Lee

The name says it all, the two single most important people in my life, my gorgeous girlfriend and my beautiful son, i am so damn lucky, cant imagine where i would be or what i would be doing without these two :) :),..much love, Gerard :) :)

latley

lately things are going from been good to been bad and neither of us can help it, were not setting out to annoy one another its just turning out that way, constantly misunderstanding each other and taken our shitty little moods out on each other and to us both its not fair, things stupid things that shouldn matter seem to matter, we need a break or at least a stop watch just to pause time and just rest with each other, feelings of been pushed away are setting in and its probably just paranoia but for the life of me i really hope it is just paranoia because what i have now i cherish and if it was to leave me now it would cripple me, things need to change and i dont know how to word it but if things keep going the way they are i dont know what the turn out will be, rite now i feel slightly depressed and its stupid i shouldn feel like this im meant to be the one thats not feeling like this im meant to be putting my arms around her and reassuring her that everything is going to be ok because it is, every little thing is going to be ok all this panic and worry has to stop on both ends or its going to rip us apart and thats not what i want to happen, i would do absolutely anything on earth for the people i have in my life now, my gorgeous girlfriend who i love more than anything in this world and a beautiful little son who is going to have me as a role model as he grows up ( god help him ),....time is the best medicine apparently so lets just give everything some time and see how it all plays out, ciara and lee i love you both so much and no matter how hot headed i can get just remember at the end of the day i love you both and will always do right by yous no matter what!!!,.. much love, Gerard!