....

Iv 1 thing in my life that i am proud of and thats my son Lee, with every day that passes he just gets better and better,..im proud of him but how can i make him proud of me,....

HELP

I ACTUALLY NEED HELP TO FIND ME AGAIN!
I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE!!!!!

inside

i think im dead inside the only time im truly happy is when i have lee
then the days he goes home im just empty, not a care or feeling for anyone
i know, yea sure i hang out with my friends but i dont know how to explain
how i feel 90% of the time,..i think i should get help just to try sort my head out
coz this cant be healthy, i think im on a slippery slope and if i dont get a grip soon im
going to fall,...i live in an unwelcomed house where the atmosphere is so bad most of the time
i moved back here to save and havin been able to save a cent, i hate money troubles, i want a
place i can call home that is my home MINE where i call the shots where the main bedroom is mine
and when i wake up i go down to my kitchen an make a cup of tea and lees breakfast,... im 23 and i remember turning 18 like it was yesterday, the past 5 years, i filled with what i can only describe as a head fuck, not doing anything with myself and now i have a son someone that will and does depend on me and i have noting to show for myself, i start something soon hopefully it will be the start of something good if not im fucked,.. im afraid that without realising it im turning partly into the man i hate the most but a better him but a prick all the same, i dont care how i do it im going to give lee the life he deserves!!!! i just need to pull myself out of this black hole im in i dont feel like me,..im sick of been angry all the time,... im determined to change, i have to not just for me but for everyone,...if you read this and iv ever hurt you i am sorry. thats all for now.

I DONT KNOW WHAT TO THINK ANYMORE

I wish i knew, i wanna know where to start
i have one question for myself,
WHAT THE FUCK CHANGED?
I dont know how to answer the question, i dont know
what changed, i look at two people and im only able to
care about one of them and i dont know why, i dont know
what inside me changed, i hate myself for the pain and hurt
im causing but i dont know what else to do,,...one things for certain
im a terrible person but one other thing is that im a good father,...what a
weird mix if you ask me, im bad at been a person but good at been what i
need to be,.... its all to confusing,.. my minds fucked!,... i know that im sorry
and i know that much is real, i am so sorry, but no matter how much i say it
its already been over said,... looking over my blogs, i feel like the worlds biggest
BASTARD, all the broken promises, im so fucking sorry!!!
maybe the future will bring something good, i hope so coz rite now its fallen apart!!!

Ciara & Lee

The name says it all, the two single most important people in my life, my gorgeous girlfriend and my beautiful son, i am so damn lucky, cant imagine where i would be or what i would be doing without these two :) :),..much love, Gerard :) :)

latley

lately things are going from been good to been bad and neither of us can help it, were not setting out to annoy one another its just turning out that way, constantly misunderstanding each other and taken our shitty little moods out on each other and to us both its not fair, things stupid things that shouldn matter seem to matter, we need a break or at least a stop watch just to pause time and just rest with each other, feelings of been pushed away are setting in and its probably just paranoia but for the life of me i really hope it is just paranoia because what i have now i cherish and if it was to leave me now it would cripple me, things need to change and i dont know how to word it but if things keep going the way they are i dont know what the turn out will be, rite now i feel slightly depressed and its stupid i shouldn feel like this im meant to be the one thats not feeling like this im meant to be putting my arms around her and reassuring her that everything is going to be ok because it is, every little thing is going to be ok all this panic and worry has to stop on both ends or its going to rip us apart and thats not what i want to happen, i would do absolutely anything on earth for the people i have in my life now, my gorgeous girlfriend who i love more than anything in this world and a beautiful little son who is going to have me as a role model as he grows up ( god help him ),....time is the best medicine apparently so lets just give everything some time and see how it all plays out, ciara and lee i love you both so much and no matter how hot headed i can get just remember at the end of the day i love you both and will always do right by yous no matter what!!!,.. much love, Gerard!

how it happened from then til now....

5 weeks ago on pancake Tuesday after taken a trip to Dublin Ciara after only arriving in my house her waters broke at roughly 9-20pm, Ciara stayed calm as i freaked out and panicked, i rang her dad straight away JP came back picked us up and to Dublin National Maternity Hospital we went, sitting in the labor ward i was scared, the sounds of heavy breathing, heart beats on speakers and women moaning in pain i sat thinking that any minute Ciara could start given birth, i was more frightened than she was it was unbelievable how well she handled the whole situation, i was so proud of her and for every women out there Ciara made given birth look easy, standing beside her sipping water holding her hand as birth strated im sure i died for that 15mins because im sure my heart went so fast it just stopped beating and then i heard him, lees first cry which started me off, i saw him such a perfect looking baby boy with all his toes and fingers beautiful eyes little nose and mouth and i was immediately filled with happiness and love, we named him Lee Mikal Murphy Shields, 5 weeks on and every day it gets better and better i wake up every morning and the first two people i think of are Ciara and Lee two people that if i didn have in my life i honestly dont know what id be doing i love the two of them so much, hopefully in time we will have ourselfs a house somewhere for us to call home and be a family because thats what they are now they are my family mammy daddy and son, before christmas i was not a very happy person i thought about the future and didn think of much i dint think i had much of one but now i look towards the future and i have so much to look forward to i cant believe im a daddy :) with all that said ill leave ya to it hope you enjoyed the read,...much love,..Gerard :)

in bed

lyin in bed with what i hope is my future and the more i think of it the bigger this smile on my face gets,...much love,...Gerard <3 :) lol :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D HAPPY AS FUCK :D

:S

i havin freaked out not once, i have been calm the whole time since the news,..:S,...much love,.. Gerard :S :S :S

Future...

past few weeks my life has changed, when i thought of the future i didn really see much of one but now when i think of the future i see everything to look forward to all the firsts of everything, time will show my real friends and im interested to see who they are, i have my handful of best friends they know who they are and i love them all, the next 2 months will bring alot of newness to me and im excited, i cant wait to be the person that i never had and absolutely kick ass at it,.... looking forward to everything the future has to offer me with a big excited head on me,..cant wait to see lee lol,.. much love,..Gerard :D :D :D

EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Excited, that is all :D,...Much love,..Gerard :D

Rain

i remember i used to love walking home from town in the pissing rain but now NOW its just DEPRESSING,.. fuck off shit weather!!
Cant wait for summer, balcony, sun, shorts, beer, friends,...BRING IT OOOOOOOOOOOON :D :D anyways thats that,..much love,..Gerard :)

Goal 1

it is now the second of february and iv been in the gym just under a month, when i first started in the gym i got my body fat checked and it was 20% which was bad i should have been in between 10-15% so i set myself a goal to get to 15% and well today i got it checked and i have reached goal number 1 and im dead happy with myself,.. so goal 2 is not to get myself down to 10%,.. still off the drink and flat out with the diet,... this whole been healthy thing is awesome lol,.. people might think im minus craic for not drinkin but fuck that i like the way i am now :D :D
anyways this was just a lil happy update cant wait for goal 2 to happen :),..much love,..Gerard :D :D :D :D

Ciara

Hello Ciara i see you came for a little nosey :P
well this is a wee blog just for you just my wee way of
saying hello :)
so yeah,.. Hello little miss nosey :P :P lol
and my usual sign off...much love,..Gerard ;)

Confused.com/Me!?!?!?!?!?!

we all have been there where some news has been given to people and there mind is completely blown,. well lately iv come to known something that has my mind all over the place honestly pure shotgun blast all over the place,.. this is massive and life changing and i dont know what the hell i should say/do, if i say noting the outcome could be awfully shit but if i do say something what will the outcome mean :S FUCKIN HELL,.... i wish i had the answers to everything all of the time and my life was just one of them pure simple not fucked up ones,.. rite for now thats all i have to say,...much love,..Gerard  :S

the goods and the bads

well so far January 2011 has been awesome iv been off the drink since new years and i have been eating healthy and even joined the gym and im fucking loving all of this like iv never felt better so yes thats the goods,... the bads : there are some people so far this year that have really shown there true colours guys and girls i know and i dont know if they are worth my time ( not that im a king and people should feel privileged by gettin my tie ) coz well they are needy clingy and well people like that bother me and make me not want to talk to them, then there is the people that constantly talk out there arse with lie after lie after fucking lie and ITS SO FUCKING OBVIOUS,... i dont know so far this year the good is kickin the bads ass so im not going to let it bother me at all and im going to continue with the good times and make this year the best year iv had in a long time,...much love,.. Gerard :)